we always ask ourselves
what do we need in life?

i know for myself i cant do without frens
but ever since i entered hall and university
its like u realised the superficiality of it all
the frens u make in hall
they were never meant to last anyway
its like when u leave hall, they prolly wont even remember ur actions, ur likes, ur pet peeves etc
they might not even remember u

so the thing is. even if u try so hard.
its prolly not going to matter anw
i miss the times where i knew i didnt have to try overly hard
i just needed to be myself
i could be weak, hot tempered, insensitive - and even so, still obtain understanding from my frens

smtimes in here, i feel only valued for what i can offer
oh bel is good at being a business manager
oh shes quite responsible lar
oh shes quite helpful - always buy stuff for us
oh shes always around anyway
its like sometimes i wonder if i was just as good for nothing as i was in my younger years
would i even be appreciated here?

im sorry this is immensely self depreciating
but i guess its like an apt summary after some self introspection and observation
but after this i guess i know i should really just appreciate the people who care

and after all these while
even though the feelings are long gone
he was really the best i could have ever had
and no one else would ever be able to replace him

i do realised i have been posting some immensely emotional blogposts online
anw i guess its time to reflect

well a series of events did happen this semester.
i was supposed to be in jcrc top 4
and there was quite alot holding me there since there was the need to feel useful in hall
and a certain girl fren who was in the team becos i was in too
but due to the fact i just simply felt i couldnt work with the team
i went thru a very emotionally draining decision process before i decided to pull out
at a very last min
and den our clan had some major issues with our cgl
i missed out alot on the clan cos i was really too tired to catch up with everything
yeah so the whole hall got embroiled in a whirlwind of politics
blackmailing. sarcasm. rallying others to vote against each other.
quite alot of bitterness
anyway, i got myself too involved in that as well

while i embarked on different portfolios
i guess i was trying way too hard to meet expectations
took many things on myself
and i guess in a way, i was feeling a little unappreciated

life was in a sense quite a mess for me
studies were really neglected
alot of last min work
alot of ponning of lessons
it was just a vicious cycle

but u know. while everything seems so horribly wrong now
i just am glad that despite everything - i still have friends
despite my neglecting of my clan, i found frens i can talk to =)
frens who care to talk to me and study with me
and people who have always been there for me
thank you =)

i will try my best. i will appreciate myself more. and my frens too =)

on this note =) all the best for exams =)

wow. this is a struggle. futile struggle.

maybe smtimes alot of decisions should have been decisively made a long time ago

i think smtimes. i really want not to care anymore

im tired of everything

school. hall. and my own ability to cope.

smtimes it feels good just to be on holiday.

be happy!
stay cheerful!
it doesnt matter!
=(

Marit Larsen - If A Song Could Get Me You

I could try with the waltz
I could try rock'n'roll
I could try with the blues
If a song would dig you

I could sing it high or low
When I let you go, you know
I thought it was for the best
Now it is so obvious

So here it is, here it goes
I could try it rock'n'roll
A change-your-life-forever-tune
If a song could get me you
I could make it high or low
Sing it on the radio
If that is what I need to do
If a song could get me you

I could run for miles and miles
I'd take off and I'd start flying
I could cross land and sea
If you'd just believe me

I should not have hurt you so
This old house is not a home
Without you here there's no use
I've got no time left to lose

So here it is, here it goes
I could try it rock'n'roll
Change-your-life-forever-tune
If a song could get me you
I could make it high or low
Sing it on the radio
If that is what I need to do
If a song could get me you

If a song could get me through
I'd sing my way right back to you
Tell me how to make it right
Tell me now, I'll start tonight
I know I could make it last

I swear to you that if I knew
What I was getting myself into
I wouldn't answer to my fears
I'd never leave you standing there

Just look at me

If you'd only see me
I would prove my love for you
I could swallow half the moon
Just tell me where, tell me when
I will have you back again

Yeah, here it is, here it goes
I could try it rock'n'roll
A change-your-life-forever-tune
If a song could get me you
I could make it high or low
Sing it on the radio
If that is what I need to do
If a song could get me you

So here it is, here it goes
I could try it rock'n'roll
A change-your-life-forever-tune
If a song could get me you
I could make it high or low
Sing it on the radio
If that is what I need to do
If a song could get me you

haha. reminds me of the past really =)
its really sweet. makes u ALMOST believe true love exist
u must listen to her. her voice is so endearing
as compared to the recent overwhelming in ur face lady gaga, black eyed peas etc etc =(
sweet

i just not good enough for u smhow
i prolly just cant appreciate or accept what is in front of me
theres just too much past behind this "perfection"